I’ve learned a couple of fascinating things. First, although every experience is very different, for the most part, people die the same. Hospicing the two most important men in my life within months of one another, there were some patterns. Predictable developments, predictable next symptoms, things that I learned every dying person goes through.
I believe the same can be said of grieving/mourning. While each person’s path and experience are quite unique and personal, there are some givens. Some things you can expect. In my depths of pain I’ve turned to reading and discovered some great books and blogs to help me right now. The more I read, the more I find myself in other widow’s words and experiences.
An example? What I’m doing lately. I have so much energy that it’s literally chipping away at my sanity. I learned through reading others’ experiences, that this is very common. There seems to be two distinct camps: The spastic/out of control camp, and the paralyzed/can’t move camp. I fall into the former. And it’s been insane.
It feels completely out of my control sometimes. And it calls to my attention how much Michael centered me. He always was my compass and my calm. Without him, I’m like a loose hose flailing all over the place.
Fortunately for me, the result of this insanity is an updated home. But more projects loom.
I don’t know how it began really. We were getting our floors replaced while Michael was in his last weeks, which seemed like a good time to paint the walls, which then led to different pictures and not putting things back unless I loved them, which led to other things and other things and so on. And now, not even 3 months after Michael’s passing, the house is so so different. It definitely feels more feminine, more ME, with LOTS of him everywhere. It wasn’t an intentional process, I just let my instincts be in charge and found myself becoming some sort of DIY-obsessed, painting, rearranging, repurposing, building, drilling, sanding, digging fanatic that can’t sit still.
Yes, I’m on meds for this. Maybe I’ve been a spaz all these years and didn’t know it because I had a calming force. Maybe this is my way of pushing through the pain. I don’t know. I’m just along for the ride right now.
Oh and it turns out, I really dig trees. ❤ This is a sampling of the work I’ve completed since August. I’ve also gutted the garage, learned how to jump start a car, cleaned out the basement, planned a Celebration of Life and a Gala, and kept my four pups healthy. And kept the lights on. It’s been fascinating to see the changes in myself and wondering whether this is temporary or this is who I am.