The Colors of Insanity

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Home office is now lavender.

I’ve learned a couple of fascinating things. First, although every experience is very different, for the most part, people die the same. Hospicing the two most important men in my life within months of one another, there were some patterns. Predictable developments, predictable next symptoms, things that I learned every dying person goes through.

I believe the same can be said of grieving/mourning. While each person’s path and experience are quite unique and personal, there are some givens. Some things you can expect. In my depths of pain I’ve turned to reading and discovered some great books and blogs to help me right now. The more I read, the more I find myself in other widow’s words and experiences.

An example? What I’m doing lately. I have so much energy that it’s literally chipping away at my sanity. I learned through reading others’ experiences, that this is very common. There seems to be two distinct camps: The spastic/out of control camp, and the paralyzed/can’t move camp. I fall into the former. And it’s been insane.

It feels completely out of my control sometimes. And it calls to my attention how much Michael centered me. He always was my compass and my calm. Without him, I’m like a loose hose flailing all over the place.

Fortunately for me, the result of this insanity is an updated home. But more projects loom.

I don’t know how it began really. We were getting our floors replaced while Michael was in his last weeks, which seemed like a good time to paint the walls, which then led to different pictures and not putting things back unless I loved them, which led to other things and other things and so on. And now, not even 3 months after Michael’s passing, the house is so so different. It definitely feels more feminine, more ME, with LOTS of him everywhere. It wasn’t an intentional process, I just let my instincts be in charge and found myself becoming some sort of DIY-obsessed, painting, rearranging, repurposing, building, drilling, sanding, digging fanatic that can’t sit still.

Yes, I’m on meds for this. Maybe I’ve been a spaz all these years and didn’t know it because I had a calming force. Maybe this is my way of pushing through the pain. I don’t know. I’m just along for the ride right now.

Oh and it turns out, I really dig trees. ❤ This is a sampling of the work I’ve completed since August. I’ve also gutted the garage, learned how to jump start a car, cleaned out the basement, planned a Celebration of Life and a Gala, and kept my four pups healthy. And kept the lights on. It’s been fascinating to see the changes in myself and wondering whether this is temporary or this is who I am.

Peace,

~Lisa

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My gateway project; I painted a mirror frame that used to be brushed bronze. Then all hell broke loose.
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This was a buffet with a hutch. There were cabinet doors and shelves I removed, took off the hutch, and made it into doggie beds! Wallpaper, chandeliers, LED lighting, and framed photos inside.
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Trees and a light that was given to me by a friend 🙂
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This thing is new and weighs a ton. My first experience with hanging something so heavy with a wall cleat. :/
New art in the hallway
I built a shed all by myself in just a few hours! I erected a BUILDING. 
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One of three new beds I tilled and put in. I moved 2000 pounds of dirt and 3000 pounds of mulch into this yard, and restored Michael’s emerald carpet after it had become overrun with crabgrass and weeds.
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I have hung 4 sets of top-down bottom-up shades. Usually at 3:30 am or so. 
The Heisenberg corner. Note the wall patches and paint cans. More projects in progress.
Future project: cabinets and counters. 
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I installed a smart thermostat by myself! Looks like more paint? Did someone say paint?
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I’ve done all these puzzles, a couple not pictured here, and another one is in progress.

6 thoughts on “The Colors of Insanity

  1. Amazing – just love the lavender walls and the dog hotels! I fell more into the comatose end, so am very impressed with all you have done in such a short time. It’s a great way to attack grief – but when you don’t feel up to doing anything, that’s ok also!

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  2. Lisa, I’m so happy to be able to keep up with you and know how you’re doing. I’ve dealt with death of a sibling and grief is raw, horrible, and real. There is no right way to do it. You need to do what feels right to you and to hell with those that have their stupid cliches and ideas of where “you should be at” everyone grieves differently. Your openness in sharing about your life and the hell you’ve endured the last year is something that leaves me in awe. I respect the hell out of you and think you are an amazing person. My heart breaks for all you have been through and your loss. It’s not fair and it never will be. My hope for you is that this blog and encouragement from your readers maybe gives you some hope. When you experience such a tremendous loss you are never the same person, you are changed forever. It doesn’t mean you don’t heal some, but you become different. Please know you are in my thoughts often and I think you are one amazing strong super hero of a woman!

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  3. Wow! You ROCK! Whether or not this lasts it’s darn impressive!!! Love the dog bed hutch. Also if love to know how you did the emerald carpet project. I’d love to improve our lawn but am not a fan of chemicals. Hope some of your energy wears you out enough to get a little sleep. 💗

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    1. The lawn – chemicals. :/ I use a weed & feed that kills the crabgrass and feeds the grass, and then I also blast the crabgrass and weeds with Spectracide. I also pull some weeds out by hand but it’s mostly chemicals and OCD. Deep watering less frequently as well.

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