The floors.

For any of you who knew me before this blog, you know that a constant theme of my life is the flooring in my house. UGH. I’m not going to recount it all…but to put it in a nutshell…

  • We hurriedly got new floors installed when we thought Michael was going to do chemo. He couldn’t stay in the house with the carpeting because it wasn’t clean enough of a home for him to be in once chemo started.
  • Flooring installed by a contractor “friend” for cost of materials only.
  • Flooring turns into disaster, “friend” overbills by thousands, “friend” turns into a jerk
  • I file a complaint with BBB
  • “Friend” contractor hires jackass bully attorney to torment me
  • I’m threatened with lawsuits blah blah blah

So now…tonight I sit in my house that has been partially cleared out. Again. Because new floors are being installed. Again. And I’ll blog more about it again. This isn’t the end of the floor saga, sorry. :/  In a future post, you’ll see the video I made for the future lawsuit I will likely have to file. So, so much to look forward to.

Story of my life. The floors are me. They’ve been shit on, peed on, puked on. Lived on, died on. Walked all over. Scratched, scuffed, warped, fucked up. Pulled apart, thrown away, salvaged, shit on again, and on and on it goes.

I’m the floor. 

And on Monday, a new guy, hopefully one that won’t screw me over, is arriving to install new flooring I purchased this weekend. And now, I will have the most expensive fucking vinyl floors in the history of home remodels. I cannot believe how much this whole ordeal has cost me. It breaks my heart. Truly. I didn’t deserve this. So much money just gone.

Still no word on the bloodwork results for auto-immune diseases. I know the answer. My body is going down hard and fast. It’s shocking really. Literally from day to day it’s becoming worse and worse. Sometimes I’m pretty much immobile. Other times, I’m okay for a short time. But my body just hurts. Everything hurts. I’m wearing fingerless gloves all the time to help the pain in my hands. I found I love the ones with no fingers at all. I have a few pairs that have half-fingers and those are handy sometimes, but overall I like the style of just an arm warmer better. My favorites are this pair that a volunteer knitted for me last year. She’s a world-class knitter and I just love these. Plus they connect with my new obsession with birds. 🙂

glove

This week has been a tough relationship week for me. It sucks to survive the loss of your husband. Everyone feels sorry for you. Nobody knows what to say. The brave ones that stick it out want to treat you like a normal human being, and sometimes the fact that you’re not the same person gets lost in that and they forget that you’re stumbling through literally the worst period of your entire life. They forget that sometimes you’re just going to be an asshole because you have no filter and you’re not who you are. They hold you to the same standard they always did and don’t have insight into the fact that there’s a good REASON that I’m taking a leave of absence from work and becoming somewhat of a recluse – because I can’t handle adulting or life right now.

There are the few, the warriors, the ones that have stuck it out and never missed a beat. The ones that are real and want to hear about it. The ones who are always there when I need them. They know who they are. But make no mistake. When the dust settles, when the tears have fallen, when you’ve survived the latest crushing wave, no matter how many people care, you are alone.

The medical challenges I’m facing are making me painfully aware of how alone I am. I keep telling myself if Michael were here, he’d be taking such good care of me right now. But the irony is, if he were here I probably wouldn’t be sick. I’m sure this whole thing was triggered by the stress of my life. I’ve done a lot of research, and one of the worst enemies of auto-immune diseases is stress. And I am VERY stressed about my health and what lies ahead. So now, I’m stressed about stressing. Another cruel and vicious circle. Stress. Stress about the stress. Stress about stressing about it. And symptoms spread fast. And that stresses you out. And on and on and on.

So for now, we wait for medical results, we clear everything off the floors again, we (the dogs and I) have a shit week hiding out in small areas of the house again while floors are being pulled out again and reinstalled again,  and maybe – just maybe – at the end of the week, maybe. I’ll have new floors. Maybe. Floors that don’t look like shit. Maybe. Finally. Maybe. Maybe I can have normal floors like normal people do. Maybe I can walk through my house and not be reminded of the asshole contractor who seems determined to ruin my already shit life.

I can accept not having a diagnosis yet. I can accept that there is no relief from this pain for now. I can accept that I’ve spent a fortune and been screwed over. I am trying to accept that Michael is never, ever coming home. I can accept that relationships suffer when you lose your spouse. I accept that nothing will ever be the same again. But dammit. I won’t accept the floors! lol

Followers, meet the new floor that will be beneath my feet very soon: Shadow Hickory. (it’s a sample that is sitting on the current floor). It’s lighter than what I had, and hopefully will show a lot less dirt and dust. And hopefully then I can stfu about my floors for a while.

floor

Thanks for reading. I’m working on my next blog, and I’m curious. What do you think makes someone an “expert” in something? Experience? Book smarts? What qualifies someone to be an expert – or to be able to help others with what they’ve learned? Comment, let me hear from you. ❤

Peace,

~ Lisa

 

10 thoughts on “The floors.

  1. 1. You made a very nice choice with the flooring. It’s beautiful. 2. You’re good Lisa! You pose some very thought provoking questions. I believe I’ll learn something ! 3. Sadly, you will never be the person you were before you lost Michael. You have been ripped apart and the putting back together is painful and time consuming. While I don’t pretend to be an expert on this at all, I just know from experience that you will be put back together one day and a different Lisa will appear. The “old” Lisa lives with Michael now. You are at the crossroads of these two Lisa’s and it’s a twisted and confusing place to be. 4. If you have lost or are losing relationships/friendships because you no longer have Michael, it just might be a good thing. If these friends/relations don’t know what to say or what to do in your presence since your loss, then they need to BUCK UP AND LEARN. Period. There are no excuses. A friend is a friend is a friend, through everything life throws at you. Always. Forever. 5. What is an expert? (these are my thoughts only, but I’m willing to learn other thoughts). I believe an expert is one who has tried and failed and failed and failed until they feel that for them, they have it right and they are an expert. The guy laying your floor this week has learned his trade by education, books and past experience including failures so he knows what not to do next time. An expert on an emotional level has lived their experiences, and feels comfortable that they made the right choices at the right times despite countless failures along the way. They feel they will be an “expert” at it next time. But the truth is, they won’t. I feel an expert learns by living. Sometimes that knowledge can be passed on to others and sometimes not. When emotions are involved is anyone really and expert?
    My apologies for this long post. Sending you healing thoughts and peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. PLEASE don’t apologize for the “long” post; it makes me feel really good to know you take the time to read and interact. ❤ You bring up some excellent thoughts about being an expert and whether emotion impacts that…

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  2. A couple of things that crossed my mind as I read this blog. 1) Adulting with depression, anxiety and any chronic pain is nearly impossible. (Please google spoon theory). And you do stress about not being able to adult, think clearly, stand up more than a couple of hours, etc. It’s hard not to. 2) your friends with any similar issues to 1) get this and get that needing people and having to cope with people are often at odds. Many hugs. Finally 3) experts – I’ll say, it depends. For some things, experts can almost only have book smarts (math, some physics come to mind) as there’s no ‘real life’ for those things. I think for most things in life, having experience and learning is essential and the more varied the learning and experience, the better. I notice that someone mentioned ‘talent’ or ‘natural ability’. That, IMO, is a double edged sword. If you’re a ‘natural’ it’s often hard for you to explain your subject of expertice to others. You never had to ‘learn’ it so, while you can do whatever it is, how do you teach others or explain how you get from A to B if it’s innate? So… probably more than you wanted to read, but word salad is how my brain is working lately (radically accepts that I just can’t do it any other way right now). More hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I can say this – I am more impressed by experts who can relay and teach than those that can’t communicate that way. Some can do this at their level to their peers and some get down in the mud with the rest of us 🙂 (think of the difference between Neil DeGrasse Tyson and Einstein). They are both experts, but Dr Tyson can talk to kids, and get them excited about what Einstein discovered. As to the 2nd point – art for me is 2nd nature, but I am self-taught therefore I don’t think myself an expert – I just do it as I figure it out, or feel it should be done. This is different than my jobs (programming and dog training). There I have expertise, and am more able or apt to rank that level of expertise. Wow – word salad – this just might help you fall alsleep ;).

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  3. I’ll leave a personal example which highlights my answer to your question. I worked in a school 20 years. The first 10 I wasn’t a parent. I was a speech therapist and would give small homework assignments for parents to complete with kids that would take no more than 10 minutes. Rarely would this be completed and I found it odd that parents wanted progress but weren’t willing to put in the time at home to more effectively make progress. The second 10 years I was a parent. THEN I got it! LOL! Finding 10 minutes to do the work, means finding 30 minutes because kid has to find the work, has to follow through, has to be wrangled, finally get them to sit down to do it … all while parents are often wrangling their other kids, making supper, doing the shopping, the cleaning, working themselves, helping their kid with the classroom homework which may take hours, and … wouldn’t they just like to eke out 10 minutes to just “be” with their kids in fun, but wait, we have to do the speech homework, resent resent resent. Actually being a parent opened my eyes to the demand I was *really* putting on families, so I stopped. Experience taught me what books couldn’t.

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  4. For sure it’s experience AND a natural talent/gift/calling. Education enhances this.

    When my friend went over to see about your floors – way back when – he said it was a big job if it was to be done right. I’m so sorry it has been such a shitty experience. I hope this time the installation works well.

    My offer for a Fascial Stretch holds …. any time. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think it is a combination of experiences and book smarts. Any amount of education can only give you so much. The experiences teach the most. 💜
    Good luck with the floors this week!

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