Panic at the casa/ OMG he’s gone

No, it’s not news. He’s gone. But something happened yesterday and it’s as if I’m just understanding it for the first time. I feel like I’ve been walking around under a veil; I knew the truth and have been living it every single moment, but I didn’t even realize until now that it was hazy. Now, it feels like I lost him all over again. In HD.

So, tomorrow is the biggest fundraising day of the year for our rescue. And with that comes traditions that Michael and I had. The way the day goes here at home from early morning until after midnight – toasting goals as we reached them, him making me an easy dinner (usually grilled cheese – he was the BEST grilled cheese maker. He ALWAYS had equidistant cheese distribution and bread browning). I’d be at the computer watching the action, talking to our social media coordinator and tweaking the campaign as the day progresses…it’s a whole thing here.

In preparing all the marketing for the campaign, I’ve been delving into photos and events over the past year. The rescue photos are particularly painful for me; these are the times when I loved him the most. The moments when he just found himself in his element, shared his love for animals, moved around and gave hugs and conversation to everyone. Those are the moments I fell in love with him all over again. The moments I pulled in after a long and hard rescue trip to see him there standing, waiting for me and waiving us in. He would grab me out of that car and hold me so tight, even if I was covered in dog poop and sweat.

It happened so fast. 😥 You can really see it in photos. He looked great in May. In June it all changed. It happened so fast. 😥

He loved me SO much. He showed in in every single thing he did.

And I spent the last week poring over memories of him in these times. I set to putting these memories and others into a fundraising video. It was a tedious process of editing, music selection, images, etc. I loved the project but it wasn’t until I watched the finished product that it hit me. Like watching a newscast, seeing it from the outside and realizing my truth. Oh my fucking god. Michael is gone. It happened so fast. This isn’t a video. This is my life. And he’s gone, and he’s not coming back, and it’s not okay. Oh my god. He’s gone. 😥

I will not have the love of my life by my side to cheer our rescue on tomorrow. And the week after, I won’t have my best friend to hang out with on Thanksgiving,  eating munchies and watching bad movies. I don’t have the long 4-day weekend to look forward to with him. I don’t have the holidays look forward to with him, or even a weekend outing. I don’t have him to help me around the house. I don’t have anyone to watch our favorite shows with and no wonderful commentary to keep me company and make me laugh. I don’t have the man who lived for me. He’s just gone. The man who loved me unconditionally, is gone. My support. My strength. My courage. My confidence. My security. Gone.

My pain, however, is not gone. I have been on steroids until yesterday, and today the pain in my back and my joints is back in full force. I see the neurosurgeon tomorrow about my spine, but the blood test results STILL aren’t back on the auto-immune testing. I’m told it can take a while. Waiting is really hard.

Flooring project is going well. Should be done Friday. I like the new floor. I don’t love the color as much, but it will grow on me. It will. It cost me so much stress and money that I will learn to love it. It’s excellent quality, just not the exact look I wanted.

I miss him. 😥

If you’re interested, here’s my video.  And I also wanted to say, I LOVE that you’re commenting. The longer the better, I love it. 🙂

This is clearly a journey I cannot predict. I’m so thankful for the leave of absence I’m taking. I’m not in a good place to lead anyone right now.

Wish us luck tomorrow; both rescue fundraising and my neurosurgeon.

Peace,

~ Lisa

5 thoughts on “Panic at the casa/ OMG he’s gone

  1. Oh Lisa, what a tribute to GK & Michael and just like you said you will rise. You know he is there right beside you. He is the whisper in your ear when the wind blows through your hair, he is that sudden warm feeling deep inside you for no reason, he is the rain that falls on your face to wash away your tears. I am sending you much love and hugs my friend.

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  2. oh and so goes grief. Each holiday, event, regularly done thing will open the wound again. Eventually, it won’t be so raw, not that you won’t miss him, but it won’t take your breath away. You’ve been in shock really – so much loss over a very short time, and you just got your head above water to be hit by ‘the holidays’. I hope you can find some people to be with, and not be alone, even if you feel like you’re hard to be around. Holding you in my heart.

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  3. oh my gosh Lisa, that video brought tears to my eyes. Michael would be so dang proud of you! Reading how you will miss him to watch movies, eat snacks, etc. reminded me of my sister. Our tradition was always watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles – – every stinking year at Thanksgiving and laughing our butts off at the same spots. I’m sure junk food was involved as well. It’s a memory I hold dear. I have been thinking of you and reading your blog and……finally figured out how to comment (inject head smack here). I hope that you continue to blog and write and do whatever you need to do – in your own time, your own way. Take care. 🙂

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  4. What you are experiencing is so normal. Michael won’t be there physically, but I believe you will feel his love and his presence. Unfortunately in a love so strong as yours, one partner always has to lose the other and it’s especially hard when it happens too soon, which it often does. Hang in there and keep writing/sharing… you’re on my heart and in my prayers for peace to wrap you up and hold you tight.

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