Hi everyone ❤
Well, Thursday was bad. REAAAALLLLLLLLY bad. Just as I expected. I was fine until I got hungry. And then the dams broke and it was BAD.
I had offers and invites. It wasn’t that. It’s just that I KNEW it would hit. I didn’t know when. But I knew. I didn’t stress about it. I just went about my Thursday. I put on movie channels on purpose so I wouldn’t see anything unusual on TV. Politely declined the invitations and was really comfy in my house in my skin in my day. It was just Thursday. Nothing more. And that went really well for me until about 5pm. As I heated the oven to make an embarrassing dinner I won’t tell you about, it hit me. So many things that I still can’t even talk (or write) about them. So many things. So much pain washing over me. So much pain. I can’t even go there myself, much less explain it here. It is so much deeper than a holiday. That’s all I can say.
Today was alright. I felt a little hungover from the emotion of it all. My day started bright with a new bed delivery this morning. I decided last week to get a new bed. The ONLY reason I decided this, was that we had a king. And it is huge. We were both bed-hogs, and so are the three dogs who sleep in the bed (their choice where they sleep – one, Bella, chooses the floor). So, we always needed a king. But sometime last week, I climbed into bed and was really, really aware of how big it was. How empty. And I realized that I had this sad feeling every night as I go to bed. I had begun getting into bed on “his side” right away because I couldn’t stand getting in on mine, and looking over to see his empty side of the bed.
Do you see how every damn decision has so much emotion behind it? It’s exhausting.
Anyway, I decided to get a queen. That’s it. No deep meaning. But as long as I was getting a new bed, I was going to get the nicest bed I could afford. I decided that I was going to get the one that was my softness level that I wanted. I wanted cooling gel. I didn’t know I wanted to be able to push a button and sit up to watch tv or read, but when I saw that I wanted it too! And I decided to get exactly what I wanted. So, I picked it out on Wednesday and it arrived first thing this morning! Tonight, I will be sleeping on MY brand new bed for the first time. The new bed is dramatically smaller and our (my) bedroom feels dramatically bigger. I think once I rearrange things, I may even have room for a reading nook in the corner. Not sure, but I think so…
I didn’t choose to need a new bed. But as long as the universe chose it for me, I decided I deserved the bed I really wanted. I had lemons. I made lemonade.
But here’s the thing. I hate lemonade. It’s acidic, it’s sour. As an ulcer suffer, I know drinking it will cause me to suffer and screw up my insides. So I stay away from it. I trained myself to hate it.
So that’s my analogy of the day. Losing the love of my life is the lemons. This whole thing, every thing I’m doing – it’s all lemonade. I’m trying to add sweetener to it but blah. I’m trying to add things so it doesn’t hurt so much but meh. it still burns. It still isn’t what I want. What I want is my pre-lemon life. I want to take all these damn lemons and destroy them or tell whoever dumped them in my life to take them back, but they keep coming. And I don’t know what to do with them.
Oh, and if you’re in the Twin Cities area and you’re interested in a king bed (mattress, box springs, frame), let me know. I need to sell this one. It’s in amazing shape, it’s almost new. Let me know. I’ll make you a good deal.
I also have an announcement to make: After SIX torturous months, I can finally say the FLOORS are DONE. No, you aren’t imagining things. They’re DONE and they’re gorgeous. I’m ONLY showing you a small reveal, because there are LOTS of other neat things I’m doing this weekend and I’ll be posting a separate post about the latest colors of my insanity. So for now, Rosie is modeling a tiny square for you.
The new flooring is so much thicker and quieter and it looks really rich (lemonade – see what I did there?). I’m in love with it. So, now that this is mostly behind me, I need an attorney. If you know an attorney (Twin Cities area) that can help me take some legal action against a contractor, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Health: Ya know, it’s just meh. Today was a high pain day. I also have a lovely thing going on: burst blood vessels in my eye. Several of them. Same eye, multiple huge red explosions. So much fun. Not much has changed otherwise. Steroids and Lyrica are keeping the pain and inflammation manageable. I’d say at least a 50% reduction in those symptoms. I know they’re just covering it up and not treating anything, but I welcome the relief no matter how it comes.
Life: Trying very hard not to make any decisions. But finances and insurance demand some decisions. Scary stuff.
Emotional Health: It’s been determined by many non-experts 😉 and a couple of kinda experts that I am indeed having a nervous breakdown. It’s okay. I’m safe. I’m functioning. I’m loco but I’m here. I’m working really hard on paying attention to myself and my world. I’m giving myself, my heart, my head, and my soul time. I’m always working on finding that nice balance of letting myself just be, but making sure I stay responsible and keep the lights on. I think I achieve it for the most part. I can tell you, in spite of my circumstances my soul is at rest if that makes sense. It’s damaged beyond repair in my opinion, but my soul knows he is gone. My spirit, my senses, my brain, my heart, all aligned…all systems know he’s gone. The more I accept Michael’s death, the deeper the pain cuts. Everything about me is deeply wounded, and my physical shit on top of all that makes it really hard to be me right now. But I’m making sure I’m seeking medical help from the best doctors and specialists, and I’m treating my mental condition just like any other symptom or issue – and I’m giving it the attention it needs and also the space it needs. As confusing a time as this is, I know exactly where I’m at on the sanity scale. I’m a little off the scale altogether right now, but I’m being watched over by some very special people. Which leads me to…
My next post promises to be happy things. There ARE some nice stories in my life, and the next time I write, I’ll be sharing those with you.