The Life Sentence

I’ve been struggling with the tone of my blog. I’m not the type of person who likes to spread negativity or complain about my situation. But then I realized, this blog is live-time. I wanted to start this so that people in my life understand what’s happening and can try to understand ME, but also my TRUE hope is that other widows may find comfort or at least something relatable in my words. Sadly, to narrate this experience of mine is a sad and dark endeavor for the writer and the reader. This isn’t a place to come to feel better and that sucks. This isn’t a place to come for jokes, life tips, or anything positive. It’s just a dark place. And I realize, this is true because this is my life right now. This blog is a tiny peek into my psyche and my reality. So the fact that THIS little sliver sucks and is so depressing all the time is a good indicator of the bigger picture. For the moment and for the foreseeable future, my life sucks.

I got my hair done yesterday for the first time in over a year. The salon was playing Christmas music of course, and all the clientele were talking about their holiday plans; families, trips, gifts for the kids, getting their hair done for the hubby, getting their hair done for the holidays, the upcoming party, whatever the occasion. The energy was positive and the place was humming. And I almost lost it. Finding myself in the early phases of a panic attack, lump in my throat, tears welling up, and hair color on my roots so I was stuck. So I started texting my sister to get through the moment. 3 hours later, I was done and I went to dinner with a friend. Then I came home with my new do, and nobody to tell me how great it looked. And the sadness begins again.

In reading others’ experiences, the time after your loved one dies is commonly referred to as the Life Sentence. Going through the motions. Fighting back waves of emotion that come without warning. Coming home to empty.

When I sat down in the stylist’s chair (I’ve known her for years), she wanted to catch up. My response was that I can’t even talk about my life, so she had to do the talking. This sums me up. I don’t want to be the debbie downer. I don’t want to be the exhausting person that nobody wants to be around. I don’t want to carry my shit into every single interaction. I’m tired of my life being about loss. I’m tired of hearing my story. It’s so awful that nobody knows what to say. It’s just shitty and leaves everyone involved in an awkward sad shitty situation. That’s what my life has done to others.

What has loss and grief done to me? It’s stolen the following:

  • My confidence
  • My life
  • My hope in the future
  • My security and stability
  • My future
  • My belief that if you do good, you’ll get good.
  • My faith
  • My joy, happiness, and contentment
  • My spiritual home
  • My personality and sense of who I am

I hope as time goes on, the tone of my blog can change as the tone of my life changes. I do believe that things can get better. I do believe that MY life can go on. I have no desire for it to right now, but I’m in a strong enough headspace that I know this is part of my process.

I know there are some who completely understand I lost my husband on top of a stack of multiple other devastating recent losses, but I also know they DON’T understand why I can’t move ahead. They don’t understand how STUCK you can get, and they don’t understand how it feels to lose your everything. Those who don’t really understand, are usually those who are sitting next to their spouses and asking themselves why I can’t just keep going. Again, that’s not a crime. It’s just ignorant and those people need to be educated. Sadly, 1/2 of those partners WILL feel what I’m feeling at some point in their lives. Their grief and loss will shake them to their cores and bring them to their knees. I don’t wish it on anyone – but make no mistake. If you don’t “understand” this, if you are married, either you or your spouse will someday. Pay attention. ❤

If you’re sticking with me through the shittiest journey and the most depressing blog ever, I appreciate you.

Peace,

~ Lisa

11 thoughts on “The Life Sentence

  1. Those of us who’ve lost our life loves totally understand. The ones who haven’t are so lucky and if they don’t understand, that’s OK. I bet most of them are totally empathic with your situation. Don’t worry about us – concentrate on YOU! There will be many more days coming that have joy in them…. don’t give up on that!

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  2. Dear friend, I haven’t commented because I know words of comfort are just that. Words. I have been through a divorce which is a loss but with that, I could mix in a nice dose of anger and revenge to sooth me through the process. You don’t have that. You have the need to do all the necessary godawful things to neatly wrap up the details of your life with Michael even though you want to dig a hole, jump in and have some willing person shovel the dirt in. I can’t even begin to imagine how to do that and I cringe when I read what you are going through. Are you strong? Yes. But strength cannot always overcome the grief so that takes over for a time. How long? God only knows. I get chest pains simply thinking about being in your shoes. This is a miserable time of the year to face with all the good cheer around you. Kicking a tree apart and batting Santa off your roof may feel good at the time but for anyone facing Christmas and dealing with grief, keep January 2nd in your sights. EVERYONE should be pretty sick of the good cheer by then and back in their normal attitudes, hopefully. I so wish I was closer. I don’t know what I could do but listen but it would be something. My heart hurts for you. You are loved. Hugs.

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  3. Dear Lisa, the real you really comes through in this post. Always concerned about others when it is you that are suffering. When you first started this blog, my understanding was that it was going to be an honest and raw account of life after loss. I don’t remember reading that you were doing it to boost everyone else up, but to let those who have never been through this type of devastating loss, see what this loss looks like. This is a path, and yes, you will live again and love again, but now isn’t the time. As time passes, your blog will change and people will see a tranformation from sadness to life and sunshine. But for now, forget about trying to make people happy with what you post. Those who don’t understand can go away if they can’t take it. Maybe they can come back when the life and sunshine are back. And won’t that just tell you something about their place in your life? Write what you are feeling Lisa. That’s what many of us are here for. And we won’t be going away!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Everything you say is true. I don’t know if I’m “worried” so much about what people think…I think my frustration is more in my own story. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of being a widow. I’m tired of all of my shit being all I am. I don’t know if this is making sense. It’s just a mess of a shitshow of a cluster of a mess.

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      1. And it will be a mess for a while. A fucked up sucky mess. BUT, don’t lose hope. It will change. i say that from experience. One day when you least expect it there will be a most welcome change with brightness and happy posts. Until then. hang on.

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