I’ve been struggling with the tone of my blog. I’m not the type of person who likes to spread negativity or complain about my situation. But then I realized, this blog is live-time. I wanted to start this so that people in my life understand what’s happening and can try to understand ME, but also my TRUE hope is that other widows may find comfort or at least something relatable in my words. Sadly, to narrate this experience of mine is a sad and dark endeavor for the writer and the reader. This isn’t a place to come to feel better and that sucks. This isn’t a place to come for jokes, life tips, or anything positive. It’s just a dark place. And I realize, this is true because this is my life right now. This blog is a tiny peek into my psyche and my reality. So the fact that THIS little sliver sucks and is so depressing all the time is a good indicator of the bigger picture. For the moment and for the foreseeable future, my life sucks.
I got my hair done yesterday for the first time in over a year. The salon was playing Christmas music of course, and all the clientele were talking about their holiday plans; families, trips, gifts for the kids, getting their hair done for the hubby, getting their hair done for the holidays, the upcoming party, whatever the occasion. The energy was positive and the place was humming. And I almost lost it. Finding myself in the early phases of a panic attack, lump in my throat, tears welling up, and hair color on my roots so I was stuck. So I started texting my sister to get through the moment. 3 hours later, I was done and I went to dinner with a friend. Then I came home with my new do, and nobody to tell me how great it looked. And the sadness begins again.
In reading others’ experiences, the time after your loved one dies is commonly referred to as the Life Sentence. Going through the motions. Fighting back waves of emotion that come without warning. Coming home to empty.
When I sat down in the stylist’s chair (I’ve known her for years), she wanted to catch up. My response was that I can’t even talk about my life, so she had to do the talking. This sums me up. I don’t want to be the debbie downer. I don’t want to be the exhausting person that nobody wants to be around. I don’t want to carry my shit into every single interaction. I’m tired of my life being about loss. I’m tired of hearing my story. It’s so awful that nobody knows what to say. It’s just shitty and leaves everyone involved in an awkward sad shitty situation. That’s what my life has done to others.
What has loss and grief done to me? It’s stolen the following:
- My confidence
- My life
- My hope in the future
- My security and stability
- My future
- My belief that if you do good, you’ll get good.
- My faith
- My joy, happiness, and contentment
- My spiritual home
- My personality and sense of who I am
I hope as time goes on, the tone of my blog can change as the tone of my life changes. I do believe that things can get better. I do believe that MY life can go on. I have no desire for it to right now, but I’m in a strong enough headspace that I know this is part of my process.
I know there are some who completely understand I lost my husband on top of a stack of multiple other devastating recent losses, but I also know they DON’T understand why I can’t move ahead. They don’t understand how STUCK you can get, and they don’t understand how it feels to lose your everything. Those who don’t really understand, are usually those who are sitting next to their spouses and asking themselves why I can’t just keep going. Again, that’s not a crime. It’s just ignorant and those people need to be educated. Sadly, 1/2 of those partners WILL feel what I’m feeling at some point in their lives. Their grief and loss will shake them to their cores and bring them to their knees. I don’t wish it on anyone – but make no mistake. If you don’t “understand” this, if you are married, either you or your spouse will someday. Pay attention. ❤
If you’re sticking with me through the shittiest journey and the most depressing blog ever, I appreciate you.