Holidays, Health, Big Questions

Hello loyal followers ❤

This is a brain dump today. I am under so much stress that I need to pound it out on the keyboard or I’ll implode.

I never go out at night. I didn’t realize this until last night. I had to go pick up a prescription and as I was driving to the pharmacy, I was almost blinded by the christmas lights and displays. I drove by homes with beautiful trees in the front windows. I passed cars with wreaths on the grills and santa hats on the antennas.

He should be here. Why the fuck isn’t he here?

My health is getting worse every day despite my best efforts otherwise. My joints and my spine are constantly painful. My hands are so swollen that I can no longer do the things I love to do – the things that became an outlet for my stress. I can no longer paint, I can’t color because my hands cannot grip the markers or pencils. I cannot do my puzzles because my fingers won’t grip. I can’t sand or stain my woodwork for the same reasons. It’s difficult for me to type but I won’t give that up. This inability to do the things I love has just added to my depression and darkness. For a minute or two, the darkness was simply a dull gray. Now, it’s black. Just darkness. Just a vacuum where feelings, love, a sense of purpose, and joy should be.

I’m feeling impulsive. Again, I’m the flailing hose without anyone to ground me. I want to sell the house. I want to relocate. I want to die. I want to escape to a hermit-like existence. I want to be near the ocean. I want to be where it’s warm and sunny. I want to be where there are no memories, where nobody looks at me like a pathetic pity case, where I don’t have to worry about running into my son who hates me or the contractor who hates me or anyone else who has ever wished anything bad upon me. I want to die – did I mention that? This was OUR world, and I no longer feel I belong here. But, I don’t feel I belong anywhere. I really don’t want to keep doing this without him. I’m trying. I’m pushing. I’m working on this every single day. But the reality always comes through. I’m wishing my life away and I don’t want to be here without him. I don’t think I can keep doing it. But yet, here I am.

Many people have told me that reading this blog is painful or difficult. I know it is. This is my life, every single moment of every single day of every single week of every single month. Painful. Difficult. Without meaning. Without purpose. Alone. Empty. Realizing that this life only mattered because he was in it. Realizing that he made me who I was, and I’m no longer that person or any person really. I’m just a being, taking up space, wishing my life away.

It’s such a waste. And he should be here.

I’m tired of writing the same thing over and over again. I’m tired of hearing my own broken record. I’m tired of my reality, and I’m not sure if blogging about it is helping or not.  Writing does help me, but I wonder if I should journal privately sometimes. My thoughts and my life are extremely dark. I think about dying all the time. I think about Michael all the time. I see him in my dreams. I would give anything to talk to him again. To ask him what it’s like where he is. To ask him what he thinks I should do. To hear him tell me he loves me one more time. I would love for him to tell me it’s okay, and that I can leave this world because I’ve done enough. Without his love, I feel like nothing. I just wish I could talk to him one more time. ❤ He should be here. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live, and yet here I am wishing my life away.

Such a waste.

Peace,

~ Lisa

 

One thought on “Holidays, Health, Big Questions

  1. When does your daughter move in? My gut says you shouldn’t be alone (though no one will replace Michael, having another being around to pull you into the light occasionally might help). I’m sorry about your health, I suspect you know your depression, grief and stress influence your pain as much as it influences them. I hope you can find some relief from all of it, even for a moment.

    Like

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