Today, I wake in a good mood because this season is almost OVER! This is reason to celebrate for me. The past three months of holiday commercials, songs, decor, and festivities have been a torture that only a fresh widow could understand.
There’s a lot happening in my life. My daughter is moving in this weekend, and in new developments, my sister will be coming to live with me in February. Her life has come to a crossroads and finally we decided that it makes sense for her to come here. She will be on hand to help with caregiving as my condition deteriorates.
My condition: Ugh. I’m still taking all the drugs. The nodules have improved or lessened, but the swelling and inability to grab or pick things up continues. I’m also having other symptoms, and will see my doc about that on Monday.
There’s been some family stuff this week that has been devastating. I can’t talk about it, but I can tell you that I learned some things that really have me wondering if my whole parenting life has been a lie. My mind is only capable of handling small bits at a time, so I don’t know if I’ve really gotten my head around everything yet. There’s time. Once this seeps into the crevices of my brain and I fully understand it, I’m sure it will torture me for the rest of my life
I’ve made some plans to get out of town in the near future. It’s time for me to start exploring other parts of the country in a search for my eventual place of residence. It’s not happening anytime soon, which is nice because it gives me time to take a short trip here or there to investigate the places I’m interested in.
I’m re-entering the real world next week. My leave of absence is coming to an end, and it’s time to get back on social media. I’m making real efforts to manage my workload. I’m not really ready or emotionally capable of handling too much right now, so some tweaks have been made to my responsibilities. My board of directors has been amazing. It’s time to get back to saving lives. ❤
Socially, lots of people have disappeared from my life. It’s okay, I was prepared and warned by others that this would happen. Most of Michael’s camp has disappeared and I don’t hear from them any longer. Many of my fun friendships no longer exist. But the gift is, as the smoke clears there are the few, the loving, the amazing friends. ❤ And for that I’m so incredibly grateful.
I’m starting to come back to reality, and I’m continuing to try and learn about the new me. The Lisa I know, the Lisa you all know, is gone. She died on July 30. I’m still learning about the new Lisa. The core of who I am hasn’t changed, but my personality sure has. My philosophies and beliefs have changed. My thoughts and my feelings have changed. All that I thought I believed and knew, has been turned upside down. As I rebuild it all, the pieces are still there but they don’t fit together any longer so they are going someplace else. All the pieces are here, but they fit differently now. As time passes, this list will change, but here’s what I see in myself that’s completely different.
- I’m quieter, and far more insecure
- I don’t believe in God any longer
- I don’t have any goals or hope for the future; I’m just on auto pilot
- I no longer expect anything from anyone in my personal life. I’m grateful for what they do, and completely over expecting that anyone owes me anything.
- I’ve become a better dog parent because I am mindfully taking time with each of them and all of them every day. I’m really enjoying them more than ever.
- I’ve learned that I am alone. I learned it in a sad way after finding myself alone when I didn’t expect to be, but that goes toward forgiveness (read below).
- I’ve accepted that my life isn’t at all what I planned, worked so hard for, or wanted. This carries with it a small bit of depression, but also freedom to do what I want and not worry about the consequences.
- I’ve gotten very very good at forgiveness. That friend who hasn’t contacted you in months and then sends an email apologizing because they didn’t know what to say? Forgive. The friendship will never be the same, but forgive. The friend who will be there no matter what, but who you haven’t heard from? Or the friend who thinks they are giving advice and helping but instead is overstepping and hurtful? Forgive. The people who judge or make jokes of my situation? Forgive. They don’t owe me anything. Nobody does. I remember every day that poison only corrodes the container it’s carried in. Forgive. Increase the distance if you need to, but forgive.
And that’s it in a nutshell. It’s a lot, but at the same time the more things change the more they stay the same. He’s still gone, I still miss him terribly, and it is what it is.
Thanks for tuning in. ❤