Hi everyone ❤
My MRI was Wednesday, and on Friday I learned that they detected no lesions in my brain or cervical spine. This is good news and bad news all at once; what it means is more doctors, more tests, more questions. My doctor referred me to a neurologist so that will be the next step. The symptoms aren’t improving; most specifically, my thought and logic process. I have a very hard time connecting the dots. I’m also having serious issues with balance.
For reasons unknown to me, yesterday was a complete meltdown day. Complete. I write about it because people should understand what I’m going through but also anyone going through the same thing should know that sometimes, for NO reason whatsoever, you WILL lose your shit. You’ll cry, yell to the sky, you’ll want to give up, you’ll question how you can go on. I question this every day, but the meltdown thing is completely unpredictable. The only predictable thing is that it WILL happen. You just never know when, where, or what will trigger it.
My mental and emotional state aren’t improving at all. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why the powers that be won’t gift me with a ticket out of this life, but I’ve been shit on by the powers that be so many times, I don’t expect any different. I’m going through the life motions as best as I can, and I get lost in my dogs and painting the woodwork throughout the house. Whenever my mind is still, my thoughts go to painful memories of the last few weeks of Michael’s life. That’s not the Michael or the marriage I want to remember. I want to remember the good times. I was hoping those memories would seep in and overpower my PTSD, but it’s not happening yet. And for the record, same story with my dad. My dad’s memories aren’t as painful because he didn’t suffer in the way Michael did. But they are there. If you’ve ever been the primary caregiver to someone you love who is dying a painful death, you understand. I’ve seen far too many souls that I love, take their last breaths. And it has changed who I am. If it didn’t change me, I’d be worried.
The New Year has never meant much to me. It’s just another page in the calendar. I don’t do resolutions, or predict that “this year, I’ll (fill in the blank).” I never really look back at the year that just passed. But this year, I did. The changing of the calendar was pretty sad for me. I truly still cannot believe all I lost in the span of a few months. I can’t believe how much my world, my life, my heart, my personality, my home, and my outlook have changed. I don’t even recognize my reality any more. I don’t recognize this life of being single, sharing a home with someone I’m not married to, a different routine, a complete hole in my life and in my heart that doesn’t seem to be healing at all. I miss him. I miss our life. I would give anything to have him back.
The rescue is in dire straits. When I returned to work this week, I came back to the reality that almost all of our foster parents are unavailable. We’re in danger of shutting the rescue down very soon. Again, I can’t believe what I’ve lost and feel like I’m still losing.
What is meant to be, will be. I’ll continue to do the best I can, and I’m hoping that within a week I’ll have amazing pics of the house to show you. I’m hoping to be done with the woodwork soon!
Thank you as always for reading. ❤