Hi everyone ❤
Puppies…we have one sick puppy. She started to “crash” a couple of days ago. I didn’t take any chances and took her to the vet. She is full of hookworms (these suck blood like a vampire and can, and do, kill puppies 😥 ) and has an upper respiratory infection. We’ve sent bloodwork out to test for more serious conditions, and that will come in mid-week next week. If it IS indeed a serious issue, we will know before that, though – because the other puppies will start crashing over the weekend, too. So it’s a lot of puppy watch right now. Other than this stressful sitch, the puppies have been WONDERFUL and SO GOOD for me. This is my element.
Stress: Besides being worried about my little family, omg the stress is overwhelming. Health insurance and prescriptions are killing me right now. In the past two days I have spent $1000 I literally don’t have on TWO medications. TWO. Medications. TWO. There’s a lot of confusion about my coverage, trying to get help from MN and Hennepin County, trying to figure out when that help starts and if I’m in limbo. It’s been seriously something that I feel requires someone knowledgeable with this shit to help me maneuver. You know, like my husband.
Physically, let’s not talk about that today. I’m in bad shape.
Emotionally, let’s not talk about that today. I’m in bad shape.
Financially, let’s talk about that today. I’m in bad shape. I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul and I see my credit score hitting the toilet. Damn you, Credit Karma, for your instant access to my declining credit scores. Damn you, universe, for fucking up my life. Fucking up my credit, my health, my happiness. Just, fuck you.
And since I’m in a mood – can we talk about grief words and terms that make me hostile? Can I educate you so that you know what trigger words NOT to use with your grieving friends? The worst part? Most of these are spoken by so-called grief experts.
The most hated words (so far) post-Michael:
- Journey. Um, this isn’t a fucking journey. It’s torture. I’m not on a journey of grief. I’m not journeying through the pain. I’m enduring, existing, breathing. A journey indicates some sort of end result, some sort of adventure, some sort of pleasantry. Don’t call my process a journey. To do so is an insult to journeys and to the band Journey.
- Blessed. What? Shut up. That’s all I’m saying about this.
- “He Would Want (fill in the blank to whatever it is that makes you feel less shitty about me and makes you feel better so you don’t have to worry)”. You know what? You don’t know what he would want. I do. He would want me to stand in my truth and experience every feel I’m experiencing. Don’t tell a grieving spouse that their mate would want them to be happy. Would want them to smile. Would want them to live their lives. The man I loved and who loved me, would want me to be true to this process and feel whatever I need to feel, when I need to feel it.
- “You’re not alone”. We’ve covered this in the past. Just, don’t.
- “It’s not fair”. This makes me rage-y. Since when has life been fair? Who expected fair? How old are you that fair is in your vocabulary or expectation set?
- Five Stages of Grief: STOP. It has been PROVEN that the stages of grief were written for the DYING, not the GRIEVING left behind. WHY do we keep referring to these stages, or trying to make something a griever is feeling fit into one of these stages? The stages are a LIE. They are for the dying. I can attest to that as I’ve been bedside with three dying humans in recent years. I can see the stages very clearly as they walk through them. Grieving the love of your life does NOT follow a neat and tidy schedule of stages. It’s messy. It’s all over the place. It’s painful. It’s core-shaking. It’s dark. It’s hopeless. It’s manic. It’s depressed. It’s pathetic. It’s empowering. It’s lonely. It’s sad. It’s indescribable. It DOESN’T FIT INTO STAGES. STOP with the stages. Here is one of COUNTLESS articles stating the origins of the Five Stages, and here’s a QUOTE from ONE of MANY articles:
“But would you be surprised to learn that this theory was based on interviews with terminally ill patients, not with people who lost a loved one? That it originally described how people deal with their own impending deaths? That Kübler-Ross’s theory has never been validated by one single study?”
So, I suppose I’ve imparted enough sunshine on you for today. Thank you for reading if you are. I’m sorry this isn’t a zen, kumbaya post. It’s just another day in the life.