Hello to those still reading. ❤
Well, things here are moving fast. Arranging to move rescue supplies to the Dominican Republic, trying to find my place in a new org while still managing Good Karma, trying to get things together for a massive moving sale, purging and packing for an epic relocation.
I’m in pain, fatigued, and nauseous. Got so much runaround from all the specialists that I quit going and am now under no doctor’s care.
The rescue is slowing down which is to be expected. I’m spending a LOT of time communicating with people which is to be expected. Calming fears, explaining misunderstandings, clarifying our goals, and answering for my decision to leave. That is also to be expected.
My sister moved out a couple weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I think we learned more than anything how different we are, and that we honestly don’t like each other very much. She has blocked me so I’m not worried about her seeing this, and even if she does it’s true so no worries. Another one bites the dust.
I’m headed into personal hell time. All the fresh feels are coming back to me. Very soon, it will be a year ago that I started CaringBridge to keep everyone updated on Michael’s illness and (we thought) recovery. A time when a pretty large circle of people were watching us implode, and hearing my ever-more-dismal words explaining that he was going to die. I don’t know if people really got it until I posted the morning he was gone.
It wasn’t easy playing out our path online for everyone to see. It was a very vulnerable time. In fact, writing this blog is still quite vulnerable. Every time I start to write, I figure why bother. Nobody reads it anyway. I was going to stop blogging but I’ve decided this will just be my journal. I won’t and don’t expect replies or validation here any longer. I just need to pound my thoughts out for my own sake.
I’m headed into big milestones without him. The pain is unbearable and is drowning me all the time. I can’t accept it, I won’t accept it. I want to accept it, but I’m nowhere close. I miss my husband. I miss his voice and his arms around me. I miss his advice and his warmth. I miss being so loved. I miss the company and the friendship. I miss the man who understood me and loved me so much and enjoyed my company and made me feel appreciated. I miss having someone who enjoys my company and looks forward to ME. I miss loving so much. I miss having my best friend and partner in crime. I miss having my cheerleader, my trusted advisor, my protector, my caretaker, my everything. I miss him. ❤
In the meantime, I’m just plugging along, planning the next step in my life without him. Moving away from this place and all the memories will be good for my soul. It’s odd. I still don’t feel like I’ve had time to deal with losing him. I have taken time off. I have taken a hiatus. I’ve dramatically reduced my social commitments and my time away from home. Everything is sad and reminiscent of him. Nothing else matters here except the fact that he’s gone.
I’ve been in a pretty good depression these days. I’m extremely fragile and have reverted to the wailing, sobbing, and screaming of the early days when I would scream to the sky. The nightmares, though they never stopped, have picked up again. I’m in hell in my heart and my mind.
I have so much to look forward to, but even the new job and new location present scary and stressful challenges that make me miss him more. So, how do I leave all I know, move to a new country, begin as the new kid in a new org with people that have a long-standing system in place, keep my health and sanity intact, cope with missing my friends and my house, live with my grief, and cope in a new life without him?
Good questions. I guess we’ll find out together.