You saved me.

As I’m packing up my life, going through memories, trying to sell things off, unpacking boxes that I thought I could ship on the POD that has now been cancelled, trying to convince myself that maybe that antique desk that Michael had is JUST a thing and it doesn’t matter πŸ˜₯ and of course crying, reminiscing, evaluating what matters; as I head to a new place with new people and new ideas and a new role; as I experience growing pains and different communications styles and hurt feelings and closing the door on some unhealthy relationships; as I practice the art of LETTING GO OF EVERYTHING….well I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’m a mess. I’m not okay on any level. And I’m not exaggerating. I’m having a nervous breakdown.

I’m experiencing events from a year ago as if they’re happening now. I’m panicking. Not sleeping, Crying. Screaming. Dropping to my knees and begging for him to come back. This shit is not for the weak and it’s not anything I would wish on anyone, ever.

But that’s not what I want to talk about. I really can’t talk any more about it. It’s so deep and vast that I can’t go there.

What I want to talk about is LOVE.

I watched the HBO documentary about Mr Rogers the other night. His whole thing was that everybody, every single one of us, needs to know that we are lovable and that we are perfect JUST the way we are. That telling someone that, can change the world.

I am so afraid to name people because I know I’ll forget someone, but I want you to know that so many of you LITERALLY saved my life.

Thank you to those who ignored my requests to be left alone and showed up anyway.

Thank you for answering my PM’s and helping me find mental health help NOW when I was ready to end my life.

Thank you for hearing my story and hugging me and thanking me for being authentic.

Thank you to those who emailed me or wrote me time and time again even if I didn’t answer you. Thank you for pushing me until I answered.

Thank you to anyone near or far who sent me a text saying they loved me or they were thinking of me.

Thank you for not comparing your pain to mine or mine to yours.

Thank you to anyone who listened to me cry and didn’t try to fix it.

Thank you to anyone who showed up, left something at my door, and didn’t even ring the bell.

Thank you if you made me a meal. Thank you for NOT making me a meal when I said no more meals. lol

Thank you for texting with me in the middle of the night.

Thank you for inviting me places and understanding when I said no, and continuing to invite me to more places.

Thank you for not minimizing my pain or telling me what I must do.

Thank you for inviting me over.

Thank you for checking on me.

Thank you for calling me EVERY TIME I messaged you and asked if you had a minute.

Thank you for loving me the way I needed it, not the way YOU needed it.

Thank you for loving me enough to let me sit in my pain alone when I needed to, and for knowing when I was in trouble and shouldn’t be alone.

Thank you to the early group that rallied around me when Michael was diagnosed. Who protected me, guided me, loved me, and looked out for me. Who heard me. And who are still my tribe of badass women.

Thank you for loving me, just as I am. There are so many of you that I won’t have time to see before I go, or people who are long distance that I don’t see regularly.

But you have saved me. I owe my life to some of you and you don’t even know it. There was more than one text that saved me. More than one interruption to a horrible thought pattern.

If you gave anything of yourself to help me in a moment of physical or emotional crisis, thank you. You made me feel lovable if only for that moment, and that carried me until the next moment.

You saved me. ❀ And even though there are crickets on this damn blog and perhaps nobody gives a shit anymore about what I have to say. But I needed to put this out into the universe. For me. And for the universe.

mister-rogers

14 thoughts on “You saved me.

  1. You are strong beyond measure because every day you get up, put one foot in front of the other and push forward no matter how much you feel like you want to stop. Please remember YOU ARE LOVED.

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  2. I never knew you had a blog. If I did i would def have read it. You are stronger than you realize, more loved than you think, and you are a badass saviour of animals. Go forth on your new adventure and kick ass like only you know how. You got this. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but one day you will look in the mirror and say “I got this” and mean it.
    PS – you are a very good writer. Have you ever considered writing a book?

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  3. I read every one of your posts. I look for them about once a week, just in case I missed one come over in my email. I give a shit. Thank you for being brave enough to throw it all out there…the good, bad ,ugly, scary. I have no idea how it actually feels; what you are experiencing. But I have my own shit and it helps to know sometimes that others are also just not ok. And that’s ok. Reading your blog has also helped me to remember to be grateful for the loving friendships I have where I am not judged, just supported and accepted for how I am. You are one of those friends.

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  4. No crickets here…I have listened to you on this blog, because that’s what you said you needed, and honoring what you said you needed was the most I could do. Maybe spring peepers though, because I like to think they’re a happy hopeful sound. Much love, I am sorry it’s all a living nightmare again. I’m sorry to hear that there will be no POD, I recognize that was a way for you to hold on to just enough to make losing so much – again – bearable. Holding you in my heart.

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  5. I’m sorry if I wasn’t there enough. Your pain was so deep and I was one that stopped reaching out because I didn’t know how to help. No words just sorry.

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  6. Thank you for the raw emotion. Thank you for not toning it down. Thank you for sharing your anguish and despair. In a world that tries to white wash and dilute human emotions, you are the real thing. And thank you for reminding us that through your pain you still believe everyone deserves to be themselves and to be loved for who they are ~

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    1. I could say it no better than Sue did here… I’m amazed at what you’re doing with the DR project. You go girl, but keep sharing your feelings, as well as telling us the news about dog rescue!!! I’m proud to know you and call you friend, even tho we’ve never met in person. Thank you!

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  7. You are amazing and I am so sorry for the loss you have dealt with but the way you are still so selflessly all about the animals and following your heart is inspirational. I know good things are in the future for you.

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  8. Dear Lisa Booth, You are loved beyond words. You are lovable beyond compare. You are special and you have made an impact on my life like no one ever has, by being authentic and vulnerable. By reaching out, when perhaps you wanted to do it by yourself. The bond between widows can be so strong but the bond between friends goes far beyond that. Add the two together make for a lifetime of love and caring. I promise to always be by your side. And I have a feeling our husbands have created a bond too. You are special!

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