I don’t know how to feel. The last month has been nonstop back breaking work, ending with 2 days of a moving sale. After weeks of sifting through memories, tonight my house, our home, is almost empty.
I’m feeling just so touched and moved by all the love I felt and the people who came by. I’m feeling anxious and excited. I’m feeling scared. Nervous. Impatient to go. Ready. Sad. Lonely. Overwhelmed. Hopeless. Hopeful. Pick it and it’s washing over me. Except doubt. I’m in a really good place with my decision.
The sale was packed with visits from friends which was exhausting in the best way. And tonight, I’m sitting in the one recliner that remains, the only soft place to sit. I’m sleeping on a twin sized air mattress tonight. The dogs are confused and stressed. The house is echoing. It’s no longer our home. It’s just a house now. A house with painful reminders of what was and what should still be.
It has been a painful period. Trigger after trigger. Timing. Changes. Pressure. And all I want to do is fall into my bed that I don’t own and rest for days. I just want to rest.
Tonight when the last friend left after keeping me company in my empty house and watching the Office while eating on TV trays, I had a good cry. This has been so much fucking harder than I ever imagined. I don’t really know, and I find myself asking this again, how much one person can handle. It’s just amazing in a horrible way how much life has changed in so brief a time. It’s more unbelievable to me to look at how much work I’ve done.
I’m worried that I’ll have a meltdown. I’m worried I’ll go to the opposite extreme and throw myself so much into work that I stuff this away. I just feel so incredibly emotionally fragile right now. I feel vulnerable and like I could just shatter apart with the slightest impact.
A few people today told me they were jealous of me.
In a few days I’m leaving everything we made together. Our empty home brings me back to the first day we saw this place and knew we wanted it. To the hours and hours of work each week, the trees planted with ashes of our sweet babies.
Plans, goals, projects, dreams. Wiped out. I look around tonight and cry for what should have been. It’s shocking to see the house so bare.
We thought we’d grow old and die here.
We only got one part of that right. 😢
While so many doors are opening, so many are closing too. Openings and closings, endings and beginnings. I’m looking forward to what will be and hating the reason that these wonderful things are happening.
I miss my husband. 💔
Don’t be jealous.