I landed in MN tonight. The trip was nice because I used my miles to upgrade and had nice wide seats and good food. My friend picked me up at the airport in the Good Karma Subaru, we dropped her off and I came to the house. I got here a little after midnight.
Landing in Minneapolis always takes me back to the early part of our relationship when Michael and I were long-distance. I’d fly to MN one weekend a month, he would fly to CA one weekend a month so we spent every other weekend together for over a year. It always makes my heart hurt flying in.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel walking into this house. But walking in was extremely…uneventful. It triggered no emotion. It was just bizarre. Like looking through a museum or walking into the past. It’s only been 3 months since I left. But this isn’t my home. It brings up no emotion in me except anxiousness to wrap it up. I think it helped that I completely remodeled after Michael died. So the house was already not the same. I replaced all the artwork on the walls. Floors. Redid everything. Fresh painted in a gorgeous gray. Redid the woodwork. Assembled a shed. Tilled new flower beds and moved a ton of dirt and another ton of mulch. I had to make it mine if I was going to stay here. It’s crazy how much has changed so quickly. 6 months ago I had no plans to move much less leave the country. Bizarre.
I spent the last hour or so looking through my stuff like a kid in a candy shop. I am taking so many of my things back with me. The things with my personality and that I love around me. There isn’t much here, but it’s enough. It would take a small pod to get everything I want to me. Tv’s, a few small antique tables (Michael’s), a chair here or there, lamps. My dad’s mineral collection. Stuff that costs a fortune to replace or that’s irreplaceable. I gotta figure this out sooner than later.
I have a lot to do while I’m here. 6 days is going to go quickly. I’m meeting with my realtor tomorrow to talk about listing the house, then I will spend a couple days finishing the door and trim (painting white) and touching up some spots on the walls. I’ll arrange to store, dispose of, ship, or donate what’s left. The floors are gorgeous. Appliances are new. I forgot what a beautiful home we made. It’s modest and beautiful. Then I have work to do at the office, appointments etc. It’s going to go fast.
It’s 2am, which is 3am “my time”. I’ve been up for 22 hours. But I sit here tonight feeling good. Michael isn’t here. I thought I’d feel him everywhere. And I do but it’s the same everywhere I go. He is always always with ME. And it made me feel good to feel okay about being here. It’s WEIRD. But he’s not here. And that makes me so so happy. This was where we lived but this wasn’t home. I always said that my soul was home with Michael. We loved this house and put so much into it, but home was each other. I know that now. I know he’s with me and that this isn’t our home. It’s a building. That’s all.
Off to try and sleep. I get to see my best friend Jeni tomorrow and I’m thinking of all the things I want to eat while I’m here! Gotta enjoy the American over indulgences. When in Rome…